How might we be kinder to ourselves at work?
Suggestion: Before you read this post, I invite you to start with a moment of mindfulness by listening to this Body Scan mediation.
I’m Colleen. I’m a UX Researcher. My pronouns are she/her/hers.
I get to talk with people (users) all the time, interviewing them on lots of things; thoughts on updated designs, feedback on new concepts, usability, questions about behaviors, and exceptions. I often ask about their feelings. During an interview, I’ll notice a twinge of confusion or a flash of delight, and I’ll say:
“Tell me how that moment made you feel”.
Just like the feelings that might come up during a simple user session, I think our professional lives are fertile ground for lots and lots of feelings, big and small. And I say. Feel. Them. All.
Last Summer, while working from home, my daughter Fiona popped into one of my user interviews, her face full of makeup.
It was funny but also kind of embarrassing. A bunch of my colleagues were on the call — not to mention our interviewee. This led to some self-criticism which I bet many of you reading can understand.
“That was unprofessional, I feel so silly.”
“Poor Fiona. I should have done a better job of making sure she had something to do while I was working.”
You know how it goes.
To be awake in the world, to be breathing means we are probably suffering. Sometimes it’s big, really big; sometimes it’s small.
I want to talk about suffering in our professional lives. This can be setbacks, mistakes, failures, missteps, a bad boss, a disagreement with a colleague, being passed on for a promotion. That’s suffering.
And typically, we’re pretty hard on ourselves. We beat ourselves up, we feel bad, we criticize ourselves. Like I did when Fiona made an appearance during my user interview with a full face of makeup.
There’s plenty of research out there that suggests self-criticism goes hand and hand with depression, avoidance behaviors, a hit to our self-esteem, striving for perfection (which isn’t real), procrastination, and rumination.
Recently, the American Psychological Association found that 49% of adults reported feeling uncomfortable and anxious about returning to in-person interactions when the pandemic ends.
This anxiety about returning back to work is an example of a pain we might feel or suffering we might experience.
Criticizing ourselves at work about how we feel or over something we did or didn’t do IS NOT helping us succeed.
I think there’s another way. And for me, that’s been learning and practicing Mindful Self Compassion.
Before I go any further, I want to be conscious of not divorcing or misappropriating mindfulness practices from their origins. The practice of mindfulness can be traced back thousands of years rooted in Hindu culture and religion. Many, many people before me have practiced and studied this tradition. And I pay respect to that truth by educating myself. I want to honor these facts and learn whatever I can about mindfulness.
Dr. Kristin Neff is a leading researcher studying Mindful Self Compassion. She and her team asked college students to describe their academic, social, and health goals and report on the progress they made toward these goals. Students that were self-critics made significantly less progress toward their goals and reported procrastinating more often.
Research also shows that people who are more self-compassionate have more emotional intelligence and are more resilient. We’ll talk more about that in a little bit.
Don’t get too excited. I don’t have the secret sauce; I’m not here to tell you how to sidestep or avoid suffering. Suffering is going to happen. You are going to feel like total shit some days. It’s just a fact.
My Story
So, a couple of years ago, I started going to therapy. There was no crisis; I just thought, why not.
If you are considering going to therapy or curious about therapy. I’d like to 👏 normalize 👏 therapy and highly recommend finding a great therapist; if that’s something you are interested in.
I have an excellent therapist; she’s smart and direct and asks me hard questions. But for an entire year, she was really annoying about one topic, participating in a group Mindful-Self Compassion workshop. With. Other People.
For an entire year I was like…. yeah… but no… not interested, not for me. I had a lot of really strong feelings on why it wasn’t for me. It sounded too precious and silly and NOT my thing. The thought of sitting with other people talking about hard and sad feelings is not my idea of fun.
At the beginning of the pandemic, I finally said yes. (She had worn me down 😉. ) I signed up for a 10-week Mindful-Self Compassion workshop. I attended a weekly three-hour meeting with a group of about 20. Folks from all walks of life, and it was WONDERFUL. When that work ended, I signed up for another, and this summer, I’m doing a 9-month intensive MSC program. Clearly, my attitude has changed.LOL
Mindful Self Compassion has helped me in all aspects of my life, especially at work. A question I’ve been asking myself recently; How might we bring more self-compassion into our professional lives?
Think of an uncomfortable feeling. Everyone reading this has probably felt that feeling maybe 100s of time throughout our career.
Have you ever really bombed a presentation in front of colleagues, leadership… everyone?
I have
Or sent an email with a misspelling error or an inverted number?
I have
Or maybe said something you regret at a meeting?
Me too
A few weeks ago, I was conducting user interviews. These were being done virtually over Zoom. Several people from my organization were watching these live, including my boss and my boss’s boss. One of our interviewees was having lots of technical difficulties, and after at least 15–20 mins of trying it to work it out, I had to call cancel the interview. I felt terrible. The struggle of trying to help someone share their screen was happening in real-time to at least 30 people. I immediately felt embarrassed and started ruminating about what I could have done differently. Maybe I screwed up the screener; I felt bad, anxious, and like a failure. At this point, I had a couple of choices:
- I could marinate in these feelings.
- I could try to ignore them ( this does not work — can you suppress, but feelings always have a way of coming out some way and maybe on an innocent bystander like a friend or family member).
- Or meet what I am feeling with a little self-compassion and kindness.
At the very beginning of this post, there is a link to a Body Scan meditation. It’s a tool to see how we were feeling and where we might be holding any tension in our bodies. Usually, when I make a mistake or mess up, I feel in my stomach. I’ll feel a bit anxious, and there will be knots — it’s an uncomfortable feeling.
Step 1
Become aware of how I feel and where I might be holding that feeling in my body.
Step 2
I try to remember Common Humanity.
Whatever feeling you feel at this exact moment is also being felt across the world by thousands, if not millions of people. Anytime you’ve felt pain or embarrassment or any feeling, other people around the world are also feeling that same feeling in their own lives. I am not alone. You are not alone.
Step 3
Offer yourself some kindness. This could be anything, putting on a pair of favorite socks, saying a few kind words to yourself, giving your arm a gentle squeeze. You can do all sorts of things — and it’s just about experimenting to see what works for you. Ask yourself:
What do I need?
There are lots of other things you can do. Take a walk, drink some water, pet a dog, deep breaths, touch your toes, listen to Beyonce — whatever feels good to you.
It’s important to remember: You are not escaping how you feel. You’re just trying to make space.
I believe when we meet our uncomfortable feelings with Self Compassion, it’ll build our resilience.
Resilience is the ability to move forward after something doesn’t go so great. It helps to identify problems, accept negative feedback from others, and change habits that aren’t working for us any longer. Openness to change and resilience from setbacks help you grow, learn, form good habits, and ultimately succeed.
Sometime this week or next, when suffering or pain happens at work, I challenge you to notice how you’re feeling, and if your inner critic pops its head and start yaking, or maybe it’s just a feeling… when this happens, try to find ways to be kind to yourself.
I hope going forward in your career; you can practice being more kind. I think it will only add to your success, open you up for more opportunities, and give you the courage to take risks!
Resources
Websites
Center for Mindful Self-Compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff Self Compassion
Community for Deepening Practice (CDP)
Books
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
by Kristin Neff
Wherever you go, There you are
by Jon Kabat-Zinn
Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, & Wisdom
by R. Hanson.
When Things Fall Apart
by Pema Chodron
